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Once again we’re experiencing something our churches and communities never acknowledged as a possibility.

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One night, one of the chaperones addressed the girls: “Girls, we have noticed some very inappropriate touching going on…” The inappropriate touching she meant turned out to be two high school couples in the youth group holding hands. “I know it may not seem like a big deal to you,” she said. ” I heard similar things from parents, teachers, church leaders and books.

In my church it was not unusual for people to pledge not only to save sex until marriage, but even to save their first kiss for their wedding day.

Saving sex for marriage is not a guarantee that you will have great sex or that sex will be easy. As a teenager and young adult I cannot count the times I heard something to this effect: “Boys are very visual and sexual, so even though you aren’t thinking about sex, you need to be careful because you are responsible for not making them stumble.” Let’s disregard for now how degrading this is toward men and focus on the underlying assumption that boys are sexual and girls aren’t. Enjoying sex makes you a human being created by God, in the image of God, with the capacity and desire to love—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually. When you get married, you will immediately be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt or shame.

All it guarantees is that the person you fumble through it with will be someone who has already committed to love you forever. For years I was told that “girls don’t care about sex.” Well, as it turns out, I do. For a long time I felt like a freak, until I started to realize that I wasn’t the only one, not by a longshot. Many girls (yes, even Christian girls) think about sex. Many Christians have spent years—from the day they hit puberty until their wedding day—focusing their energy on keeping their sex drives in check.

In the meantime, we in the evangelical church has a lot of work to do correcting the distorted ways we talk about sex and sexuality, especially to our youth.

LILY DUNN Lily Dunn is a faith-wrestler, a truth-seeker and a grace-discoverer.“Don’t start the engine if you aren’t ready to drive the car,” and other similar metaphors warned me that any physical contact was a slippery slope straight into the jaws of fornication.On this side of things, I can honestly say that there are SO many conscious decisions you have to make between kissing and having sex.Only through gradual conversations with other married friends did I realize I wasn’t alone.I started to wonder if maybe the expectations themselves were wrong.Before my wedding night, I had been told that honeymoon sex isn’t usually the best sex. I knew that it would probably be uncomfortable at first.

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